Attachment Styles: What They Are, Where They Come From, and How to Cope
What Are Attachment Styles—and Why Do They Matter?
Attachment styles are emotional and behavioural patterns we develop in childhood that shape how we relate to others later in life. These patterns are formed through our early relationships—especially with caregivers—and reflect what our nervous system learned about safety, love, and connection.
They often influence:
How we respond to closeness or distance
How we express needs and boundaries
How we cope with conflict or disconnection
How we regulate emotions within relationships
Understanding your attachment style isn’t about labelling yourself—it’s about noticing your patterns with compassion and curiosity so you can build more secure, fulfilling relationships.
1. Secure Attachment
How it often forms:
Usually develops when caregivers were consistently attuned, emotionally available, and responsive to the child’s needs. The child learns: I can rely on others, and my needs matter.
How it can show up in adulthood:
Comfort with closeness and independence
Able to express needs and listen to others
Open to feedback, flexible during conflict
Trusts in the reliability of healthy relationships
Coping skills to build/maintain security:
Continue practicing open communication
Stay connected to your needs without over-accommodating
Set and respect boundaries with kindness
Repair after conflict rather than avoid it
Even people with secure attachment may feel dysregulated under stress—what matters is how they return to connection and safety.
2. Anxious Attachment
How it often forms:
May develop when caregivers were inconsistent—sometimes nurturing, sometimes withdrawn. The child learns: I have to work hard to keep connection, or I’ll be left behind.
How it can show up in adulthood:
Fear of rejection or abandonment
Difficulty trusting partner’s commitment
Over-analysis of small relational cues
Seeking constant reassurance
Strong emotional responses to perceived disconnection
Coping skills for anxious attachment:
Use grounding techniques to calm nervous system before responding (e.g., breathwork, touchpoints)
Identify your needs before expressing them (e.g., “I feel unsettled and need reassurance”)
Pause before reacting—ask, “What story am I telling myself?”
Practice self-reassurance: “I am safe in this moment, even if I feel uncertain.”
3. Avoidant Attachment
How it often forms:
Often develops when caregivers were emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or discouraged emotional expression. The child learns: It’s safer not to need anyone.
How it can show up in adulthood:
Preference for independence over closeness
Difficulty being vulnerable or expressing emotions
Pulling away when others get too close
Feeling overwhelmed or "trapped" in intimacy
Tendency to suppress needs or minimise feelings
Coping skills for avoidant attachment:
Practice identifying emotions before pushing them away (e.g., journaling or body scans)
Start small with vulnerability—share safe parts of yourself with trusted people
Check in with the part of you that feels the need to withdraw and ask what it’s protecting
Challenge internalised beliefs like “I should do it all on my own” with compassionate counter-statements
4. Disorganised (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
How it often forms:
May emerge from early relationships marked by trauma, neglect, or fear—when a caregiver was a source of both comfort and threat. The child learns: I want closeness, but it doesn’t feel safe.
How it can show up in adulthood:
Fluctuating between craving intimacy and fearing it
Difficulty trusting others or oneself
Self-sabotage in relationships
Intense emotional reactivity, followed by withdrawal or shutdown
Feeling confused, overwhelmed, or unsafe in closeness
Coping skills for disorganised attachment:
Build safety through routine and predictability in relationships
Work with a therapist to explore protective parts and internal contradictions
Slow things down—give yourself permission to pause rather than react
Use somatic grounding (e.g., holding a comforting object, tapping) when flooded
A Gentle Note on Healing
Attachment patterns aren’t fixed traits—they’re adaptive responses learned over time. They can shift with awareness, support, and repeated experiences of safe connection.
At Calm Sanctuary, we offer a space to explore how your early experiences shaped your relational world—and how to create new patterns grounded in safety, autonomy, and connection.
You don’t need to change who you are—just get to know the parts of you that learned how to survive.
Reflection Prompts:
When I feel close to someone, what fears or stories show up for me?
How did I learn to seek love or protection growing up?
What parts of myself try to manage connection—by pleasing, pushing away, overthinking, or disappearing?
Ready to Explore Your Attachment Style Further?
If you’re noticing patterns that don’t feel aligned with the kind of connection you want, therapy can offer a space to explore them gently. Whether you’re navigating dating, family conflict, friendships, or healing from past relationships—our therapists at Calm Sanctuary are here to support your journey toward deeper connection.