Why We All Have an Inner Critic (and How to Soften It)
There’s a voice in your head that always seems to have something to say.
It comments on what you said in that meeting, how you look in a photo, how you should’ve handled that text differently.
It’s the one that whispers, “You should’ve done better,” or “You’re too much,” or “You’re falling behind.”
That voice is what psychologists call the inner critic — the part of you that tries to keep you in line, safe, and acceptable.
And although it sounds harsh, it often started with good intentions.
Where That Voice Comes From
The inner critic usually forms in childhood not as punishment, but as protection.
Maybe you grew up around high expectations, where success earned affection or calm.
Maybe conflict, rejection, or disappointment felt unsafe, so your mind learned to stay one step ahead.
It told you:
“If I criticise myself first, no one else can.”
“If I don’t make mistakes, I’ll be loved.”
“If I never rest, I’ll be safe.”
Over time, that voice blends into your inner background noise.
You stop noticing it’s there — you just feel tense, guilty, or like you’re never quite enough.
How the Inner Critic Shows Up in Daily Life
You replay a conversation, cringing at every word.
You hesitate to post something because “what if it sounds stupid?”
You finish work and immediately list what you didn’t get done.
You look at someone else’s life online and feel like you’re behind.
The critic rarely yells, it just hums in the background, quietly draining your self-trust.
Why Being Kind to Yourself Feels So Hard
Neuroscience helps explain this.
When you criticise yourself, your brain activates the threat response — the same system that fires up when you sense physical danger. The amygdala lights up, your body tenses, and your inner alarm goes off.
It’s why self-criticism doesn’t actually motivate; it just floods your system with cortisol, making focus and creativity harder.
In contrast, when you respond with self-compassion, the same tone you’d use with a friend, the soothing system activates. This releases oxytocin and calms the nervous system, helping your brain learn through safety, not shame.
The shift from criticism to compassion isn’t fluffy. It’s literally how your nervous system learns to function better.
Your Inner Critic Is Trying to Help (Just Badly)
From a parts-work perspective, that critical voice isn’t evil; it’s a protector.
It learned that being hard on you was the best way to prevent failure, embarrassment, or rejection.
It’s anxious, not cruel. It’s saying, “Don’t mess this up. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
When you start responding with curiosity — “What are you trying to protect me from?” — the voice often softens.
It realises you don’t need it to be so harsh anymore.
How to Start Softening the Inner Critic
1. Catch it in real time.
Notice what it says and when it shows up. Usually it’s when you’re tired, uncertain, or doing something new.
2. Label it gently.
Try saying to yourself, “Ah, that’s my critic talking.” Naming it creates distance. You can listen without obeying.
3. Respond with curiosity.
Ask: “What are you afraid will happen if I stop being so hard on myself?”
This turns criticism into conversation.
4. Rehearse a kinder voice.
Even if it feels awkward, try: “I’m allowed to be learning,” or “I’m still worthy when I rest.”
It’s not about positive affirmations, it’s about retraining tone.
5. Ground your body.
Criticism is a physiological reaction. When it spikes, take three slow breaths, stretch your shoulders, or place a hand over your chest.
You’re teaching your nervous system that calm is safe.
What Changes When You Do
You start to notice small but powerful shifts:
You apologise less for existing.
You enjoy things without needing to earn them.
You stop chasing constant improvement and start living your life.
The inner critic doesn’t vanish overnight, it just becomes one voice among many, no longer the one in charge.
A Gentle Reflection
That voice that tells you to do more or be better isn’t proof that you’re failing.
It’s proof that you once had to work too hard to feel safe.
The goal isn’t to silence it — it’s to meet it with understanding, so it doesn’t have to shout.
If self-criticism, guilt, or perfectionism keep you feeling stuck, therapy can help you learn new ways to relate to those voices — not by fighting them, but by understanding them.
At Calm Sanctuary Psychology, we use compassion-based and schema-informed approaches to help you build a gentler inner dialogue that supports growth, rest, and self-trust.
