Is This Really Me—Or Just Who I Learned to Be?
Schemas are long-standing emotional beliefs formed in early life.
They shape how we relate to ourselves, others, and the world.
They tend to emerge from repeated emotional experiences, particularly when core needs like safety, validation, or autonomy were unmet.
Examples of Schemas and How They May Form
Defectiveness/Shame: “There’s something wrong with me.”
May form when a child is criticised, shamed, or receives messages that they are unlovable or inadequate.
Failure: “I’ll never measure up.”
May form when a child is regularly compared to others, told they’re not good enough, or experiences high expectations without support.
Subjugation: “Other people’s needs matter more than mine.”
May form when a child is taught to suppress their voice or feelings to keep the peace or avoid conflict.
Emotional Deprivation: “No one really sees or cares about me.”
May form when caregivers are emotionally distant, distracted, or unable to respond in attuned ways.
Unrelenting Standards: “If I don’t keep achieving, I’ll be rejected.”
May form when love, praise, or attention is conditional on performance, success, or appearance.
Abandonment/Instability: “People I rely on won’t stay.”
May form in environments where caregivers are inconsistent, unpredictable, or unavailable.
Mistrust/Abuse: “People will hurt or use me.”
May form after repeated betrayal, violation of trust, or emotional/physical harm.
Social Isolation: “I don’t belong.”
May form when a child feels different, excluded, or culturally/familially disconnected.
Dependence/Incompetence: “I can’t cope without help.”
May form when a child isn’t encouraged to try things independently or is overprotected.
Vulnerability to Harm: “The world isn’t safe.”
May form when a child grows up around fear-based messaging, illness, instability, or disaster.
Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self: “I don’t know where I end and others begin.”
May form when a child feels emotionally merged with caregivers or discouraged from forming their own identity.
Entitlement/Grandiosity: “Rules don’t apply to me.”
May form when a child is overindulged or not held to appropriate boundaries, often as a form of compensation for other unmet needs.
Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline: “I can’t delay gratification.”
May form in environments lacking consistent boundaries or when emotional regulation isn’t modelled.
Self-Sacrifice: “I must put others first, always.”
May form when a child is praised for caregiving or taking responsibility for others’ emotions.
Approval-Seeking: “I need to be liked to be okay.”
May form when external validation becomes the primary source of self-worth.
Negativity/Pessimism: “Things will go wrong.”
May form in families that emphasise danger, failure, or disappointment.
Emotional Inhibition: “Expressing feelings isn’t safe.”
May form when emotional expression is shamed, ignored, or punished.
Punitiveness: “Mistakes deserve punishment.”
May form when a child experiences harsh consequences for errors, or empathy is withheld.
How to Start Unpacking a Schema
Notice when strong emotional reactions repeat in similar themes—this can be a schema activation.
Label the belief: “This sounds like my Social Isolation schema.”
Trace the origin gently: Who or what might have taught you this belief?
Look for the unmet need: What did this part of you need—nurturance, permission, safety, connection?
Observe the coping mode: Do you shut down, overfunction, criticise yourself, or try to escape?
Invite a different response: What would a wise, compassionate voice say to you here?
Helpful Practices
Values-based actions: Align choices with who you are today—not who the schema expects you to be
Journaling your younger self’s perspective: “What did I want to say but couldn’t?”
Emotion naming + body scanning: Where do I feel this? What’s its texture or temperature?
Gentle internal boundary setting: “That belief is old. I don’t have to follow it now.”
Therapeutic support: Schema therapy, IFS, EMDR, or parts-based work can provide safety for deeper exploration
Schemas reflect what we learned in response to early life experiences—not who we are at our core.
Understanding them is the beginning of relating to ourselves differently.
Want to understand the deeper emotional patterns driving your decisions and relationships? Schema-informed therapy can help you rewrite the rules you didn’t know you were still living by.
→ Book a session or explore how schemas may be shaping your life.